November 10, 2014

The Poet Tree

It's UP!

Yes, I am posing by an empty frame, attached to a tree.  Said frame was my $90 birthday gift to my 45 year old self.  

Side note:  how in the fuck can I be 45?  
It was constructed by Gord Harrison, woodshopman extraordinaire, purveyor of little lending libraries and swap boxes.

Let me provide you with some context.  In 2000, I was working as a Public  Librarian.  I wanted to share my love of poetry with library patrons - big and small - so I set up a rotating poetry exhibit at the circulation desk.  It sounds much grander than it actually was - the "exhibit" was a freestanding eight-and-a-half by eleven plexiglass display board.

The inaugural poem was November by Thomas Hood:
November 
No sun - no moon! 
No morn - no noon - 
No dawn - no dusk - no proper time of day. 
No warmth, no cheerfulness, no healthful ease, 
No comfortable feel in any member - 
No shade, no shine, no butterflies, no bees, 
No fruits, no flowers, no leaves, no birds! - 
November! 
I changed up the poems bi-weekly; the weather, holidays and current events dictated my choices.  Many patrons commented on the poems; they LOVED the poetry display.  It wasn't highbrow - there was no T.S. Eliot, people.  I deliberately chose accessible poems that would amuse and delight, and put a spring in one's step.  The library folk couldn't get enough... the poetry was better than SEX or CHOCOLATE or SQUEEZING A REALLY BIG ZIT.  Okay, it wasn't actually better than any of those things, but you get the picture.

I gave birth to my son in 2003 and my full-time stint at the library came to a screeching halt.  The poetry died.  A collective sigh was heard in the vicinity of Byron.

At this time, I was residing in the Blackfriars neighbourhood and that's when I had the idea of mounting a poetry frame on the Maple tree in my front yard.
I would bring poetry to the people through the magical Poet Tree.  And the world would smile upon the Poet Tree and it would be a better place.  And rainbows and unicorns and lollipops would fall from heaven, and poetry would rain down into the people's brains...  
But.

I had a hungry beast attached to my nipple for the better part of the next two years, and then I became pregnant again, and then I forgot about poetry because I was completely fucking insane from my parasites / children.

Jump ahead eleven years to 2014.

The idea of the Poet Tree was still percolating.  It was time.  The city of London was poised for the power of poetry.  The denizens of the Willage needed poetry; I would bring it to them  :-)

The first poem to grace the Poet Tree was Headache by Shel Silverstein:


Remembrance Day was three days later, so naturally, I put up In Flanders Field.  My third (and last, unbeknownst to me at the time) was Spike Milligan's A Silly Poem.  

One week and 6 days after the frame had been installed, I was pulling into my driveway when I saw that the poetry box was empty.  I was perplexed.  Had someone stolen the poetry?  I can understand them stealing my scooter, but my poetry???

I found the poem jammed into my mailbox with a card and some chickenscratch scrawled across it.


I called Andy Beaton (Supervisor II - Forestry) and learned that a neighbour had complained.  I also learned that the City of London's Boulevard Tree Protection By-law (section 3.5) stipulates that "no person shall attach any object or thing to a tree upon a boulevard without written permission from the General Manager".  

The poet tree was being axed!

I called the paper and the Freeps came out the same day to do a story.  Here I am, making my best "mad face" at the urging of the newspaperman:


The poet tree and I made the front page!  And I'm currently the banner photo at LFP.com with 132 comments:  Poet Tree Stands Empty.  I guess this is my 15 minutes.

I don't know what else to say about the idiocy of some individuals.  The tree will not die from the two screws that affix the frame to the tree.  I have planted more than half a million trees in my time (treeplanter in Northern ON and BC for five years) and I know the tree can withstand the frame.  My neighbour sums it up nicely:

I think the sadder part of this story is the neighbour who reported the poet-tree. He must be a very angry and pathetic individual - a far greater threat to society and the earth itself than a couple of screw holes in a tree. Most of us have much better and more progressive things to do with our days: like loving poetry and sharing it with any old passer-by! What a way to cheer up a winter dog walk or a hurried school-run!

It seems that while I have a lot of support for the tree, there are also many individuals who do not approve.  A few of my favourite choice remarks:

Poetry should be banned in London - along with self-promoting librarians.
My rebuttal:  Yes, I am promoting literacy and culture. So shoot me.

Ohh the drama! A neighbour who doesn't like me called the city, now the big bad forestry supervisor wants me to take my poetry box down, ruining it for everyone! Why should I have to follow the rules! Whaaa! Put an easel on your lawn with the box attached to it!
This just makes me laugh.

The tree is not yours Christine. It belongs to the commons. You damaged it. It's untenable. Does not give me joy to see trees damaged, but angers me. Stand out there and recite the poetry if you're so enthusiastic about sharing your joy.

I am picturing myself standing on the sidewalk with a bullhorn.


So the Poet Tree frame must come down next week, midweek, or Andy Beaton will come and remove it himself.  Bah.

And last night someone opened the box and scrawled the word "DOUCHES" across A Silly Poem.  I wasn't impressed.

Our solution (thanks to Miss Guinevere for the illustrations):




We will continue to spread literary love here on Bruce Street.  The word on the street :-) is that the box is here to stay.  It might not be attached to the tree in the future, but it will still be the Poet Tree.
The Battle Of Life
"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."

                                                                                                        Theodore Roosevelt


Addendum

Part Two of the story:  Poet Tree, Part Two















September 11, 2014

The Pammer is a Scammer But Quitty Prickly Thinks Quickly

In yesterday's LFP, I read this:


After digesting this pearl, I recalled reading about a lottery scam in Saturday's Free Press.  A man had "won" a lottery and had been asked to send cash to cover the "administrative fee" before receiving his payout.  The scams are ubiquitous.  Who hasn't received a letter from a Nigerian lawyer telling them about their 6.5 million U.S. dollar inheritance?

Are people really so stunned as to fall for such hogwash?  

It appears that they are, as the Canadian Anti-Fraud Centre is rife with descriptions of popular scams, like the Puppy Scam and the Bomb Scam, both of which are completely INANE:

"This is the only way I could reach you people, no matter who you are, make sure this gets to your manager.  If not you have yourself to blame, my group was paid to plant an un-activated bomb in your building (hotel lodge) till a certain date it will be activated which is best known to our employer. I know what am about to do is a betrayal to my group, I can disconnect the bomb and take it away, but this will between us alone, I need the sum of $500,000, $250,000 will be paid to an account I will provide for you and the balance will be paid after the disconnection, if you agree with me get back to me, if no, don?t even think of contacting me. Finally do not involve the cops/police on this, because if you do, none of your apology will be accepted to me (remember, I took risk for sending you this information), if we have a deal, you know what to do."

The entirety of the previous paragraph needs a giant sic.  :-)

You will be shocked by what I am about to tell you but QP is in the thick of a Kijiji / Paypal Scam.  Let me elaborate.

I listed these two pieces of furniture on Kijiji yesterday:

It's very stylish, isn't it?  It would look magnificent in YOUR home!

Who doesn't love a leather club chair?
Email me if you're interested!  :-)

Approximately three hours after posting my ad, I received an email from pamelaandrew09@gmail.com with a one word inquiry:  

Price?

It was challenging, but I responded without being snarky (yay me! good thing she couldn't hear the dialogue in my brain:  can't you read, lady?)

Pammy came back with:
Im okay with the price and condition , is this email also your PayPal email ? Let me know asap so i can arrange the payment through PayPal. my shipper will be coming to pick it up as soon as the payment clears into your account . Reply soon
Total red flags:
- Pam wants to buy the sofa without seeing it?  
- And she wants to send payment "asap"?  
- What about the "reply soon?  That irked me.  
- And she didn't bother to sign off with her name!  I didn't even know if the person that I was corresponding with was actually "the" Pamela Andrews of the gmail account.   

My response:  
Hello Pamela.
This is not my paypal email.  I would prefer that you pay with cash as paypal takes a percentage of the payment (I recall this from my ebay days).  Would you like to come and have a look at the sofa, or buy it sight unseen?

Pam responded using a different email address (pamelaandrew11@gmail.com) - total red flag. 
PayPal is a fast and safe means of online payment  , you can get a new PayPal account at www.paypal.ca , it takes just few mins of your time . Get that done asap and get back to me with the email used so i can transfer the money asap . My shipper will be coming to pick it up as soon as the payment clears into your account.
Reply soon.

So bossy.  Everything "ASAP" and the rude "Reply soon" again.  And she's obviously copied that Paypal bit from the website, but because she is thick and grammatically challenged, she didn't bother to correct her typos.  Come ON!  What about capitals, periods and complete sentences, Pamela? 

I gave Pammy my Paypal email just to see what would happen (there is a balance of zero and the account is inactive).

Pam was quick:
I just completed the payment via PayPal, a total of $3,050 was sent,$2,200 for the merchandise and the extra $850 for the shipper's charges,which you will be sending to the address below via money gram money transfer
Name: Rosezeek Hendrix
Address:230 South LaSalle Street, Chicago,
Postal Code:60609
State: Illinois 
Country:United States
My shipper would be coming around to your area to have the merchandise picked up once you have sent the shipping charges fee to them,as i need you to let me know what time you want them to come.
I will be waiting to hear from you once the money has been sent to my shipper.You should check your PayPal email inbox or spam folder for the notification email from PayPal.
Thanks for the business 
Her "real" name is Rosezeek?  What the hell kind of name is Rosezeek?  I googled "Rosezeek" for the fun of it - first name only - and Google's first hit was the full name (Rosezeek Hendrix).  I found a picture of her on Farcebook (probably a front for internet fraud; Rosezeek clearly doesn't actually exist).  I also learned that Zeek Rewards was a gigantic Ponzi operation that went belly up in 2013.  Coincidence?  I don't think so.  These criminal "masterminds" aren't very smart.  Wannabe Keyser Sözes!).

I've already called the cops.  Because I haven't been defrauded by the brilliant Pammy / Rosezeek / Keyser, there is nothing to be done.  The police directed me to the Canadian Anti-Fraud Centre.

So Rosezeek, or Pammy, or whomever you are, I will not be sending you $850 in shipping charges, you cretin; however, I will be sending you a link to my blog :-)


*addendum - 
Sorry, we were unable to deliver your message to the following address.

<pamelaandrews09@gmail.com>:
Remote host said:
550-5.1.1 The email account that you tried to reach does not exist. Please try
550-5.1.1 double-checking the recipient's email address for typos or
550-5.1.1 unnecessary spaces. Learn more at
550 5.1.1 http://support.google.com/mail/bin/answer.py?answer=6596 e93si1140982qge.84 - gsmtp
[RCPT_TO]

The message did go through to pamelaandrews11@gmail.com though, which makes me happy.  I wonder if he/she has read the blog.    

And this:  I just googled Rosezeek's address and it's the Federal Reserve Building in Chicago (it's a beautiful building- I've been there).  Pam / Rosezeek is even dumber than I thought. 


Optional musical pairing:  The Lowest of the Low's Salesmen, Cheats and Liars (a GREAT SONG, btw)





September 03, 2014

I Bake a Geode; I Sew Something Special and I Enter My Creations in the Fair.

I know that a few of you come here so that you will feel better about your own pathetic lives.  If you are one of these individuals, then today's post about baking is for YOU.



Some of you have enjoyed my baking misadventures.

The loaves à la toddler:



The unleavened tooth-breakers:



And now this:


Yes peeps, it all comes THAT EASILY to me.

Several months ago, I purchased a bag of light rye flour from the Arva Flour Mill.  If it's good enough for the White Stripes, it's good enough for me:


My kids are fond of rye bread, which puzzles me.  I enjoy it, but it's not exactly the go-to for the under-ten set.

I found a recipe for Rye Bread in Fanny Farmer, one of my favourite cookbooks:



I needed a break from quilting this gift for my neighbours; baking was the answer.


(Yes, the lines are supposed to be crooked like that, although I think that bit of drunken quilting at the top of the dark brown bit is especially wonky and probably not entirely intentional).

I also needed to "not think" about the book that I was not writing while hosting Japanese students:


I would bake.  Baking is wholesome and satisfying.  And I had a full bag of rye flour.

Let's get back to that bread.


When I started to kneading, I couldn't figure out why the mixture was so damn stiff.  I reread the recipe.

Doh! (get it?)

I forgot to add the milk.  :-)

I was not pleased with myself, not pleased at all.  This is what I get for multi-tasking, which I clearly SUCK at.  Obviously, I was not going to begin again so I poured in the cup of milk that I forgot to add and tried to "mix it" in with my trusty wooden spoon.  I wasn't mixing as much as I was pulverizing.  Not even Boney M could get me out of my funk.

I ended up with this after 10 minutes of kneading (and mofo'ing):


I let it sit until it doubled in size and then I punched it down - KAPOW! BAM! BAM!  My favourite part of baking bread.

Because I don't want to chronicle the rest of this baking debacle, let's just leave it at this:  My bread was like a rock.  But it sure looked beautiful:


Laughing my hand off here.



The interior of the loaf tasted good but the crust could chip a tooth.  Let's call my loaf The Geode - crack that hard bitch open and you might find a treasure inside.



********  Intermission ***********
have any of you read The Sisters Brothers?

So I was a total slacker this summer and couldn't even post one blog entry.  Please don't tell me that you can't or shouldn't start a sentence with the word so because I don't care.

This summer, I was too busy sewing, playing soccer, yelling, drinking and complaining.  Isn't everyone's summer like that?

I wrote the first part of this blog (above the asterisks) sometime in July and then I wrote some more again in August, but I just couldn't get it together.  And now I'm finishing it the first week of September.  Oh well.  None of my loyal readers give a fig.  Right?

Okay, back to it.

Intermission's over.

*************



The good news is that I did finish the weiner dog quilt:



The pattern is from Boo Davis' Dare to Be Square.  I don't normally make cutesy-pie quilts but something drew me to this pattern - I think it was the seventies vibe.  Boo's quilt in the pattern had a solid blue background, but I like to mix it up a bit so I went for blue and grey.  I also threw in some pink in the dog's body because every little boy needs a little or a lotta pink in his life.


The quilt should really be called a wall-hanging or play mat, due to the enthusiasm of the quilter (i.e. lots of stitches per square inch), and as such, it is as stiff as my loaf of rye.  :-)  It was well-received by the recipients, although they practically had to tear it out of my arms.

In other creative news, the crafty denizens of Bruce Street have been working on entries for the Western Fair.  How could we resist such tempting categories as Wacky Lamp or Horrific Hat?  And I musn't neglect to mention that we can win TOP DOLLAR.

Gwen made "Munchkins", a family of three hapless dolls:



I made Reading Lamp:  a lamp and shade covered in crumpled pages from Trixie Belden and The Mystery Off Glen Road and J.R.R. Tolkien's Book of Lost Tales.  I bought the lamp from the Goodwill for $3 (you can still see the orange sticker in the pic below).  I already had the books and the glue gun, so it was a cheap project.

Before / during:


I burned my fingers quite a bit with the hot glue while crumpling up all those pages and sticking them onto the base and shade.  It's clear that the life of an artist is fraught with danger.

Here's the big reveal:


Stunning, I think.

In a fit of pure genius, I made Hat Head:



I had purchased the bag of doll heads from a yard sale many years ago and had been waiting for just the right project. 

This is why I go to yard sales, peeps :-)

Who needs a meat dress?  Eat your heart out, Gaga:



I love Hat Head!  I think it's my favourite hat ever, even beating out the burr and teezel hat that I made ten years ago, which sadly, I do not have a picture of.  I do have a picture of a teezel though :-)



HH is also a nod to Pretty Ugly, my Western Fair crepe paper and Barbie doll creation from 2004, now languishing in a landfill.  My evil offspring tore off most of the heads and bodies from the lamp, shortening its moniker from Pretty Ugly to just Ugly.  


I also entered some knitting (a vest for Gwen and a bag that I made for myself), and Dynamite - a quilted wall hanging that I sewed last Spring:


I don't think that I have much of a chance of winning in the quilting category (you can win between $300 and $500 in the category that I entered), but I am quite proud of my piece.  The Quilt Police will find many things wrong with my quilt, not least the wonky shapes, which are completely intentional. On the plus side, it's my own design (I haven't ever been confident designing my own things); I attempted free-motion quilting - definitely not my strength as a quilter; and I think the design is interesting to look at.  I will admit to being very curious about the other entries in this category.

Here's Art Bag.  I repurposed a pair of handles from a purse that I purchased at the Goodwill, and I lined the bag with a wine-coloured taffeta skirt (also a Goodwill purchase).





I knit the bag over many months, took a very deep breath and tossed it in a washer full of hot water (to felt it).  Here it is, only a couple of rows in:


Lastly, here is the pinafore that I made for Gwen.  It actually looks quite hideous in this photo, and is much prettier in person.



The kids and I will be venturing to the Western Fair next week and I am quite excited to see how we made out.

I love being creative; I would die if I didn't make things.

image from:  http://findings.creativemornings.com/post/87107476756/creativemornings-you-cant-use-up-creativity

Go make things!



Optional musical pairing:  Hooray! Hooray! It's A Holi-Holiday! by Boney M




July 08, 2014

Kombucharama!

The second part of the kombucha-making process.  If you're confused, you can read the first part of the post here:  Growing a Scoby

Day 1 of scoby (symbiotic culture of bacteria and yeast) growing in a large-sized Bick's pickle jar:

Mixed-media piece in the background by Guinevere :-)

The scoby is getting bubbly on day 3:
  


Day 5:  cheesy, slimy goodness:




On day 8, the scoby is thick and juicy enough for a second feeding!  I will add more sugar to make it grow even more. 



After boiling four cups of water and dumping them into a pitcher, I added 1/3 cup of sugar and stirred until it dissolved.  2 Earl Grey and 1 Green teabag later, I had a pitcher of tea:



After letting the tea cool, I transferred it to a large Mason jar (1.6 litres) and added the scoby and its liquid.

It is necessary to wait until everything is at room temperature, or you risk murdering your precious scoby.  I learned this the hard way when I began baking bread.  I poured scalding water onto my yeast and turned out a loaf of unleavened bread, useful as a weapon but not as sustenance.  Hot water kills yeast.

Here's the 1.6 litre jar:


Doesn't it look pretty?

And don't my new, mid-mod curtains in the background also look dazzling?  I got them in the States and they were only $22!  I found them at a TJ Maxx and when I brought them up to the cashier they were hanging out of the package, willy-nilly, which is what happens when you shop in the clearance section.  I paid for them, the cashier stuffed them into a bag, and when I arrived home two hours later, I discovered that I had not one, but two sets of linen curtains.

SCORE!

I briefly considered returning one set, but you know what?

I DIDN'T. 

I WILL SURELY ROT IN HELL FOR MY TRANSGRESSION AGAINST THE CURTAIN GODS.  :-)

Okay, I need to focus and get back to the kombucha.


Doesn't it look pretty? [ignoring curtains here].

I am reminded of jellyfish.  :-)

huffingtonpost.com
***

Because I was having so much fun, I started a second scoby in a larger, widemouth vessel.  Thanks to the marvel of technology, here's the scoby after a week of percolating:


I transferred it to a larger glass vessel (I think it's around 4 litres), ensconced both vessels in a dark cupboard and ignored them for two weeks.  It was hard, but I did it.

Day 21
My scobies are finally thick enough (to use) to brew my own kombucha!




As soon as I start brewing, I will provide an update; however, I still need to steep myself in several hours worth of research.  As a librarian, that suits me to a tea!


Optional musical pairing:  The Tea Song by Yorkshire Tea




Addendum:

The third part.


For more information, read here:
http://www.picklesnhoney.com/2012/04/09/how-to-make-kombucha-growing-a-scoby/

June 08, 2014

Mothers, Babies and Scobies

So in another life, I used to be a knitwit.

Here are some of my creations:

Shrug knit with Noro Kureyon (Japanese hand dyed yarn)

Lanesplitter Skirt for Gwen (Noro and Paton's Merino)

Art Bag (Noro)

Storm Toque-r for Nathaniel (Noro - can you tell I like Noro?)
My life and my personality being what they are - ADD - I have been ignoring the yarn in my stash and focusing on writing the great novel and sewing quilts and patio cushions instead.

But for reasons unknown (KISMET?), I ventured to Ravelry recently - the knitter's online mecca - all things knitting all the time - and immediately noticed that I had a friend request.  Weird.  I proceeded to check out my fellow knitter's profile, as you can never be too cautious.  The last "friend" request I had was from a Scottish non-knitter who said that he loved to see "women's legs in knitted stockings and women's bodies wrapped in soft wool".

I kid ewe not. (See that? There are two puns in that sentence!)

While I was tempted to friend the woolly wiggler for the humour factor, I did not.  I was worried that I would be tempted to start sending him wool porn.

So... where was I?

Aha! - the friend request from Ravelry.

I saw that the lady was a blogger and so I read some of her entries.  You can tell a lot about a person from reading her blog.  Just like that, I learned about kombucha tea.  I learned that it tastes like tart green apples with an underlying sweetness and fizz.

I learned that it (supposedly) promotes a healthy liver, is great for digestion and prevents cancer.

And I learned that I can brew it myself, in the privacy of my own home, using black tea.

I marched down to the Quartermaster for a bottle of Kombucha, eager to sample this magical elixir.  I picked a bottle of tea that looked like it had the most sediment on the bottom (a.k.a. The Mother), as that is what is used to grow a scoby - the jelly-like, snotty layer of cellulose that keeps harmful bacteria out of the tea while it's fermenting.

Some up close and personal snaps of scobies, some more attractive than others:

inhabitat.com
tching.com
inhabitat.com

***

Aren't they pretty?

Quartermaster sells Kombucha starters, but at $18 a box, my inner cheapskate was not impressed.  I did not purchase the Mother in a box, but I did leave with a bottle of Kombucha and a package of locally made, overpriced, gluten-free chocolate and almond treats that are so fucking delicious, that I am going to try to make them too.

The magical moment?  When I cracked open the bottle of kombucha and took a swig.

LOVE. 

So yummy, light and refreshing, tart and sweet, and a sparkly explosion in my mouth! Mmmmmmm.

I can't wait to brew my own, but first I have to make a scoby.

Here's the baby scoby (a.k.a. the Mother, the starter culture, the mushroom) in the bottle of Kombucha that I purchased from the store:


You can also see a mother in a bottle of apple cider vinegar - it's that brownish, smoky thing that hovers at the base of the bottle.

The scoby pictured above is tiny but it will grow rapidly once it's fed, taking 2-3 weeks to mature.

I thought that I better get started if it was going to take a minimum of two weeks.

I rummaged through the recycling bin and found a pint-sized glass jar.  I washed it thoroughly and then sterilized it by boiling it for ten minutes.  I like to err on the side of caution when it comes to food and drink.


While I was waiting, I brewed two cups of black tea and mixed in 4 tbsp of sugar:



I carefully removed the sterile jar from the pot of water, and dumped in the bottle of Kombucha:

Aren't the two vessels of amber liquid pretty?

I then mixed them together to begin the fermentation process:

my kombucha starter, in a warm spot out of direct sunlight
I used a paper towel and one of Gwen's rainbow loom creations to seal the jar.  I could have also used cheesecloth, a coffee filter, linen or muslin but I went the paper towel route because that's what I had. You want to use something that's breathable that will keep the fruitflies out.  

I like that I can see the baby scoby sort of hanging down the side, near the top of the jar.  

I will post more pictures over the next couple of weeks as the scoby matures.

Grow, baby, grow!

***

Addendum:  I am posting a picture of Day 3, so you can see how it grows...  there are actually two scobies growing:


Day 5 - see that white line that covers the surface of the liquid?  That's the new scoby, spreading out:


Day 7 - it's getting juicy!



More juiciness to come :-)


Musical pairing:  Strange Brew by Cream.