June 11, 2012

On Aging (Dis)Gracefully

"Hello?"

"Miss Montgomery?"


Daaaamn. It's a telemarketer.  
"Yes.  How can I help you?"


"You sound younger and younger each year, every time I talk to you".  He laughed in a self-congratulatory way that infuriated me.


Oh, he thinks he is sooooo funny. ha hahaha hahahhaa.  Laugh at this, dumbass!

I slammed the phone down.  Yes, I really did slam it because I was talking on my old school rotary phone that my stepfather rewired for me.  I'm not proud of my reaction, but really!  This! On the eve of my discovery of the dreaded senior discount on a receipt.  RB said that the senior discount key is permanently depressed at Cherryhill Mall, which of course made me laugh, but I will be permanently depressed if I start getting the senior discount regularly!

For those of you who are not familiar with Cherryhill Mall, it is populated entirely by seniors.  I used to dislike going there because of the demographic (ooh... evil admission of ageism), but I grew to love the mall's denizens.  When the kiddies were toddlers, they always got lots of attention, candy, money and smiles from the geriatric bunch, who obviously had a lot of time on their hands.

Here's a picture of said senior discount:



I saved $1.26 on "drink" and wax paper.

According to Shopper's website, the magical age is 65; however, I have heard that they will extend it to those individuals who are 55 and over.  I do not look 55!  Do I?  Please tell me if I do.  In my head, I'm still 25!

I remember the young cashier who was helping me. She was about 12 and we were talking about PC banking.  I told her that I put everything on my PC Mastercard because I get free groceries and who doesn't like free groceries?  I was just trying to make polite conversation while rummaging through my disorganized wallet.  She said that she banks with TD because at the end of the year, she receives a percent back (of what she has spent during the year).    I just looked it up on the TD website and it's 1% for every dollar spent.  So if you spend $1000 a month, or $12 000 yearly, you'll get $120 back.  Hmmn... I am going to have to check what I get for my PC. As usual, I am getting sidetracked. Bear with me while I do some googling...

According to PC banking, the stated rate of points acquisition is ten points for every dollar spent on the PC Mastercard.  If you spend $1000 a month, you'll get $120,000 points annually and $120 in free groceries.  So they're basically the same - cash or groceries.  I'll take the groceries because I shop at the PC stores and there isn't a fee to bank with PC. Enough about this boring credit card savings and back to the prepubescent cashier.

I am going to tell myself that I do not look 55 and that the cashier gave me the senior discount because we were talking about money and she wanted to save me some.  I might cry if I thought otherwise.

I can only conclude that it must be my hair.  I showeth the greyeth, therefore, I am senior.  And senior is bad (that's for all you old folks out there, nyuk nyuk).

Because why else would I choose to have grey hair?  Grey hair means old, washed-up, not caring about one's appearance. Letting one's self go.  Saying goodbye to youth and vitality, and self-pride.  I should just start wearing polyester, elastic waistband pants now, right?

My cousin told me not too long ago that I was "too young to have grey hair" (that I didn't colour) and what was I thinking?

"You can have grey hair when you're old" she stated.  She is ten years older than I am and dyes her hair.  We agreed to disagree.

A friend of mine told me that several of her friends who met me at a function (and who do not know me) said that I looked at least ten years older than she did (thanks for that).  And this was supposed to make me feel how? Good?  I think her point was that I was "letting myself go" and that I should buck up and get back to the bottle.   That I am somehow doing RB a disservice.

I guess I frighten some people, with my kinky, crazy grey hairs.

At this point I no longer give a shit about my hair.  I look in the mirror and most days I think I look pretty good, grey hair and all.  I don't have a lot of time to spend on my appearance, or rather, I don't want to spend a lot of time on my appearance.

Why are we so obsessed with looking young?  If every woman I knew didn't dye her hair, I wouldn't have this bloody problem! I don't know any men who dye their hair!


The reality is that we are all marching towards our deaths. Why deny the obvious?  Come on, ladies!  Let yourselves go!  It's very liberating and you just might get the senior discount!








8 comments:

  1. I must confess I pissed myself with laughter. I expect to have my first senior moment in the near future and hopefully it will be as funny. I feel pretty young inside and most people agree that I am still childish, but the body is decaying slowly away......

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  2. I argue the should-I-dye-my-grey-hair topic with myself on a bi-monthly basis. Then I realize I'm talking to myself - a sign of being on the down side of that age teeter-totter. Finally, I realize your brother will always look older than I do. And I feel better.

    Keep the grey. Dye the grey. Just don't wear elastic waisted polyester pants. You'll be much too flammable.

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  5. SHIT!

    Unfortunately, when I wrote my novel of a comment about my stance toward changing your physical appearance to combat old age it was deleted because I forgot to sign in (ironically, a coming sign of early on-set alzheimers). So, here is the abridged version.

    First, grey hair kinky? Hilarious!

    Secondly, Yes, my body is nobody's body but mine Mr. Reaper. So BACKOFF!!!

    Thirdly, display grey hair as a symbol of a warrior who, on a daily basis, victors over the assaults of Death by proclaiming in your battle stance, "ATTACK IF YOU MUST DEATH, BUT TIME WILL SHOW WHO THY COWARD TRULY IS!". Embrace old age and look forward to the inevitable senility it brings! Rub old age and death back in its own face!

    Forth, march forth gracefully one step at a time toward death, and if at any point you need a cane GET ONE! Perhaps a walker.....or a wheelchair will be you weapon of choice. SO BE IT!! No matter what walking apparatus you succumb to next just remember that death does not control you. Laugh at his silly cruel games, and flinch not at his desperate bullying jabs to scare you toward botox and the terribly plastic world of L'Oriel Paris, and Clairol+. Instead prove to "Death" that turning from a grape to a raisin is fuckin' hip! As Fuckin' Hip as these guys! (see link).

    http://home.earthlink.net/~cevr2/thats/raisins/

    Lastly, when all else fails remember this,

    "The complete life, the perfect pattern, includes old age as well as youth and maturity. The beauty of the morning and the radiance of noon are good, but it would be a very silly person who drew the curtains and turned on the light in order to shut out the tranquillity of the evening. Old age has its pleasures, which, though different, are not less than the pleasures of youth."

    W. SOMERSET MAUGHAM, The Summing Up.

    Or, dye your hair I don't give a shit!

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  6. I'm shopping with you from now on. No longer will I look out of place in my polyester, elastic-waisted pants!

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  7. I always secretly hope for the senior's discount, at least the señorita's. sorry. You're gorgeous, and you know it.

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Thanks for reading and commenting!