I Bake a Geode; I Sew Something Special and I Enter My Creations in the Fair.

I know that a few of you come here so that you will feel better about your own pathetic lives.  If you are one of these individuals, then today's post about baking is for YOU.

Some of you have enjoyed my baking misadventures.

The loaves à la toddler:

The unleavened tooth-breakers:

And now this:

Yes peeps, it all comes THAT EASILY to me.

Several months ago, I purchased a bag of light rye flour from the Arva Flour Mill.  If it's good enough for the White Stripes, it's good enough for me:

My kids are fond of rye bread, which puzzles me.  I enjoy it, but it's not exactly the go-to for the under-ten set.

I found a recipe for Rye Bread in Fanny Farmer, one of my favourite cookbooks:

I needed a break from quilting this gift for my neighbours; baking was the answer.

(Yes, the lines are supposed to be crooked like that, although I think that bit of drunken quilting at the top of the dark brown bit is especially wonky and probably not entirely intentional).

I also needed to "not think" about the book that I was not writing while hosting Japanese students:

I would bake.  Baking is wholesome and satisfying.  And I had a full bag of rye flour.

Let's get back to that bread.

When I started to kneading, I couldn't figure out why the mixture was so damn stiff.  I reread the recipe.

Doh! (get it?)

I forgot to add the milk.  :-)

I was not pleased with myself, not pleased at all.  This is what I get for multi-tasking, which I clearly SUCK at.  Obviously, I was not going to begin again so I poured in the cup of milk that I forgot to add and tried to "mix it" in with my trusty wooden spoon.  I wasn't mixing as much as I was pulverizing.  Not even Boney M could get me out of my funk.

I ended up with this after 10 minutes of kneading (and mofo'ing):

I let it sit until it doubled in size and then I punched it down - KAPOW! BAM! BAM!  My favourite part of baking bread.

Because I don't want to chronicle the rest of this baking debacle, let's just leave it at this:  My bread was like a rock.  But it sure looked beautiful:

Laughing my hand off here.

The interior of the loaf tasted good but the crust could chip a tooth.  Let's call my loaf The Geode - crack that hard bitch open and you might find a treasure inside.

********  Intermission ***********
have any of you read The Sisters Brothers?

So I was a total slacker this summer and couldn't even post one blog entry.  Please don't tell me that you can't or shouldn't start a sentence with the word so because I don't care.

This summer, I was too busy sewing, playing soccer, yelling, drinking and complaining.  Isn't everyone's summer like that?

I wrote the first part of this blog (above the asterisks) sometime in July and then I wrote some more again in August, but I just couldn't get it together.  And now I'm finishing it the first week of September.  Oh well.  None of my loyal readers give a fig.  Right?

Okay, back to it.

Intermission's over.

*************

The good news is that I did finish the weiner dog quilt:

The pattern is from Boo Davis' Dare to Be Square.  I don't normally make cutesy-pie quilts but something drew me to this pattern - I think it was the seventies vibe.  Boo's quilt in the pattern had a solid blue background, but I like to mix it up a bit so I went for blue and grey.  I also threw in some pink in the dog's body because every little boy needs a little or a lotta pink in his life.

The quilt should really be called a wall-hanging or play mat, due to the enthusiasm of the quilter (i.e. lots of stitches per square inch), and as such, it is as stiff as my loaf of rye.  :-)  It was well-received by the recipients, although they practically had to tear it out of my arms.

In other creative news, the crafty denizens of Bruce Street have been working on entries for the Western Fair.  How could we resist such tempting categories as Wacky Lamp or Horrific Hat?  And I musn't neglect to mention that we can win TOP DOLLAR.

Gwen made "Munchkins", a family of three hapless dolls:

I made Reading Lamp:  a lamp and shade covered in crumpled pages from Trixie Belden and The Mystery Off Glen Road and J.R.R. Tolkien's Book of Lost Tales.  I bought the lamp from the Goodwill for $3 (you can still see the orange sticker in the pic below).  I already had the books and the glue gun, so it was a cheap project.

Before / during:

I burned my fingers quite a bit with the hot glue while crumpling up all those pages and sticking them onto the base and shade.  It's clear that the life of an artist is fraught with danger.

Here's the big reveal:

Stunning, I think.

In a fit of pure genius, I made Hat Head:

I had purchased the bag of doll heads from a yard sale many years ago and had been waiting for just the right project. 

This is why I go to yard sales, peeps :-)

Who needs a meat dress?  Eat your heart out, Gaga:

I love Hat Head!  I think it's my favourite hat ever, even beating out the burr and teezel hat that I made ten years ago, which sadly, I do not have a picture of.  I do have a picture of a teezel though :-)

HH is also a nod to Pretty Ugly, my Western Fair crepe paper and Barbie doll creation from 2004, now languishing in a landfill.  My evil offspring tore off most of the heads and bodies from the lamp, shortening its moniker from Pretty Ugly to just Ugly.  

I also entered some knitting (a vest for Gwen and a bag that I made for myself), and Dynamite - a quilted wall hanging that I sewed last Spring:

I don't think that I have much of a chance of winning in the quilting category (you can win between $300 and $500 in the category that I entered), but I am quite proud of my piece.  The Quilt Police will find many things wrong with my quilt, not least the wonky shapes, which are completely intentional. On the plus side, it's my own design (I haven't ever been confident designing my own things); I attempted free-motion quilting - definitely not my strength as a quilter; and I think the design is interesting to look at.  I will admit to being very curious about the other entries in this category.

Here's Art Bag.  I repurposed a pair of handles from a purse that I purchased at the Goodwill, and I lined the bag with a wine-coloured taffeta skirt (also a Goodwill purchase).

I knit the bag over many months, took a very deep breath and tossed it in a washer full of hot water (to felt it).  Here it is, only a couple of rows in:

Lastly, here is the pinafore that I made for Gwen.  It actually looks quite hideous in this photo, and is much prettier in person.

The kids and I will be venturing to the Western Fair next week and I am quite excited to see how we made out.

I love being creative; I would die if I didn't make things.

image from:  http://findings.creativemornings.com/post/87107476756/creativemornings-you-cant-use-up-creativity

Go make things!



Optional musical pairing:  Hooray! Hooray! It's A Holi-Holiday! by Boney M

Snow Way! It's Another Snow Day!

Fresh on the heels of my late night Grammy watching, I rose this morning to hear the deejay confirm what I hoped not to hear:  "all school buses in London Middlesex are canceled".  Ai!  Kids would be stoked; me not so much.  I let them sleep in because really, why WOULD I wake them?  I am definitely CUCKABONGA, but not THAT CUCKABONGA.

It is 10:21 am and I have decided to blog about the day.
Kids are homeschooling (each other - hahahaahahha!) at the kitchen table and Gwen just whined and bitched at her brother, who presumably hit or kicked her.  Can you tell that I am concerned?  I should be, actually.  A week ago, Gwenzilla gave Nathanimal a "Level 10" smackdown that saw us hanging at The Children's Hospital for two hours, while N received 3 stitches above his right ear.

But for now, I'll let them fight in peace.  :-)

My grand plans for the day, before I learned all buses were canceled, were to finish two short stories, go to the gym, grocery shop, make some soup, do some laundry, and shovel some snow.  Now I've got the kiddos to help me with all this.  And so, I have decided to chronicle our day, for fun.  And because I know that whatever we do, it will be awesome and EVERYONE needs to hear about it.  Heh heh. This is what I've accomplished so far, after rising at 6:15:

• put in a load of laundry - so fun, cleaned my bedroom floor (last night, while I watched Beyonce dirty dance with Jay-Z, Gwen laid out 8 fashionista outfits from my closet at the foot of my bed for me to choose from this morning. grrrrrrr.  Here's a pic of some of the ensembles.  Love that purple orange combo, G!)

• ate breakfast (coffee, rye toast with cinnamon honey and apple), read newspaper, checked email and Farcebook.  I know.  SO INTERESTING.  
• cleaned up breakfast dishes, worked on short story for very brief period, finished cutting out quilt templates and selected fabrics.  This is what I'm making, btw:

This is a modern version of a clamshell quilt that I am in love with.  I want to marry it!  The clamshell is a traditional pattern and can look very fussy, depending one one's choice of fabrics.  The tone-on-tone tans and funky pops of colour definitely make this version very fresh and modern.  I will be making my own version with greys, purples and pale greens.   I have posted a pic of some of my fabrics below.
image from craftsy.com

Looks quite ugly now, but trust me, it will be magnifique.  I am rethinking that pink and grey in the lower right though. 

In case you are wondering how I am managing to blog, it's currently "recess" :-).  Now let me continue that list:

• kids got up, they got dressed and fed themselves.   I oversaw their efforts while tidying up the kitchen and dining room tables so that I could put them to work. 
• dumped another load of laundry on bed, hand washed lingerie (For those of you rolling your eyes at me, I am not trying to sound "all Martha", btw.  I really did do this.  It took 5 mins, tops.  I put my linge in to soak earlier in the morning, and then all I had to do was swish it around, give it a bit of a scrub, rinse, wring and hang to dry).  Snap.
• forced children to "work" at table (they both have books with math and English lessons). 

• Nathaniel helped Gwen with reading.  I decided that we would bake bread as part of our snow day.  Again, if you are thinking that I am some uberorganized hausfrau, I can assure you that I am not.  Can you hear me swear as I take this picture?

• yelled at children to FOCUS.  HOCUS POCUS FOCUS!!!!! while I looked for bread recipe.  Found it!

• made bread dough with N's assistance. Yes, we washed our hands. Yes, I am going to attempt to bake a baguette.  Yes, I am really am loco.  

• Kids each kneaded dough for 6 minutes.  They seemed to like this.  I did not like flour all over my floor and counter, but I bit my tongue and sucked it up.  

doesn't this look delightful?

bread before first rise

• Cleaned up floor and counter.  Complained loudly while doing so.  
• at 9:54am, I decided to write this blog and wrote down all the shit that I'd already done 
• handwashed silk blouse that has been sitting in laundry room waiting to be washed since New Year's Eve.  Lamented vomit stain.  KIDDING.  Just wanted a reaction.  As if I would vomit on NY's eve.   As if I would EVER vomit on myself.  

It is now 10:49.  I am giving myself (the rest of recess) another 10 - 15 mins to blog.  

12:31pm - more of list.

• made lunch for evil offspring - Montreal style bagels with cream cheese and apples.  Kids tried to sneak down to basement to veg in front of screens while I was in the loo.  I screamed mightily when they came up.  
• forced children into snow pants.  Went outside and shoveled, and entertained self and dog.

Nathanimal and Django.  Nath had to "take him down" after he let him off-leash in spite of repeated warnings from me not to do so.

One of Django's tricks that I hate.  It's called "HUG".  Nath taught him this wretched trick, which basically amounts to the overlarge 80 pound poodle jumping on people.  He knows better to try this with me or most adults, but if you're a kid, look out!


And still more of my list:  

• shaped loaves and got them ready to go into oven

wow, they almost look like an adult, as opposed to a toddler, made them

• you are supposed to spray the loaves every 5 minutes with water so that they get a hard crust. 

• Seriously?  And so that's what I did, after making myself a cup of chai.  
• Sighed.
• I also learned that because French bread has no oil in it (oil is a preservative), that is why your baguette is stale the next day.  Who knew?
• And then I cheered, because this is what they looked like, after all that spraying and baking:

Oh mon dieu!  C'est parfait!!!!

I can't wait to try these! I think they're my best effort to date.  Yay, me!

Okay, I'm done with my list, let's face it, no one wants to hear more and it's time for me to veg.  Have a great rest of snow day, peeps!


Music Pairing:  Bob Marley, Stir It Up

Baking and Breathing

I have been stressed out for two weeks.  With a dying family member, large-scale event planning, a major backyard renovation involving the removal and/or relocation of trees and gardens, and physical and mental preparations for my upcoming hernia operation - I feel like Mombie.

When I'm really busy, I ignore myself and my friends and focus only on my immediate family and what I need to get done day by day.  Some days this means that I neglect to eat and drink enough.  I ignore my body's signals because I'm an idiot.  I'm not proud of this; it's just been the pattern my entire life. The only good news here is that I lost the eight pounds that I put on this winter after guzzling too much wine and pigging out on garbaggio (smoked oysters, salsa and nacho chips, loaded baked potato chips, brie and camembert with red pepper jelly and fancy crackers etc).  I haven't been eating enough due to stress and poor time management and I am going to change that this week!  Enough about me though.  Let's talk bread!

Today we are going to a neighbour's gathering - Champagne, Crackers and a Chin-wag.  Said neighbour has invited all the fun neighbours (every house abutting and across from them).

I am bringing bread because I have been asked to do so.  I was initially overwhelmed by the request, because I have a lot going on, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that baking bread is exactly what I should do to save what remains of my sanity.

I am attempting to bake Oatmeal Bread.   

From the New Canadian Basics Cookbook, it's also known as Maritime, Porridge or Rolled Oats Bread.  I like an oatmealy texture -- it's dense and delicious.  My only concern with this recipe is the baking part. ha.

I am going to substitute maple syrup for the molasses (mine expired in 2011!) and do half white flour and half whole wheat.

Here's my yeast proofing.

I think I should have proofed it in a bowl instead of a measuring cup; when I dumped the yeast into the oatmeal mixture, there were some granules that hadn't yet dissolved.  No biggie.  Lesson learned.

I mixed in the flour, kneaded the dough by hand for 8 minutes, oiled a bowl and tossed it in. I rolled the ball around in the bowl to evenly coat it with vegetable oil (and prevent it from becoming hard and dry).

I'm going to let the bread rise now and tell you about my yard sale adventure.

************

I have been a diehard garage saler for twenty years and I LOVE IT.  Garage "sailing" is one of life's great joys.

Earlier this morning, the only item on my list was a reel mower.  I sold my old mower in a yard sale three years ago and I regret it to this day.

Well guess what?  I found one! When I spied it, I began to pant heavily (hahhah! that sounds wrong but I'm leaving it in).  I tried the mower out on the seller's lawn and it would barely move, never mind cut grass.

"What's wrong with it?"

"It's been neglected; it needs oil, a cleaning and a sharpening.  It's ten dollars".

I responded: "Do you know how much these things cost to get sharpened?"

I didn't say it to be a peeve, but the owner was definitely irritated.  Back-pedalling, I immediately told her about the time I had my old mower sharpened.  I had been puttering in the house and the sound of a bell tinkling outside got my attention.  It grew louder and louder and I went out to see if I could find the source.  I saw an old wise-guy tooling around in a red pickup.  I registered the wooden sign on top - "SHARPENING" - and I think I was taken in by the nostalgia of it, because five minutes later I found myself paying the shyster $40 for approximately 4 minutes of "sharpening".  At least I can laugh about it now.

Her response to my tale : " How about $5.00?"

I thought about it for about 30 seconds and told her I'd take it for five.  I pushed the mower to the van, brought it home and put RB to work.  He spent 15 minutes outside with it, came into the house and told me that he thought I'd be happy.  I'll let you know how it goes. I'm going to go try it out now.

****************

I can't tell you about the mower right now because I'm too annoyed. I'll save that for later.

Here's the bread:

The monster has grown. Let's remove that towel!

Ta-da!

Now to punch that baby down! ---  shplat.  I like punching the bread down; it makes me feel tough.

Time to shape it into loaves.  

I know, I know.  They're ugly.  What's with all those scratchy, fingerprinty marks? I must work on the shaping of the loaves.  These look pathetic really. Were they made by a toddler? The next time I bake, I am going to try to make them prettier.

Here they are 45 minutes later (after the second rise):

Before putting the bread in the oven, I brushed one of the loaves with a lightly beaten egg and left one plain (according to the recipe, the egg is optional). I wanted to see the difference after baking. 

And thanks to the marvels of technology, here it is.  The egg-washed loaf is the one on the right.  I think it looks more professional and as all of you know, I am nothing if not a consummate professional.

Oh and about the lawn mower.  For now, it's enough for you to know that my mower rips my grass rather than cutting it.  It is also hard to push.  It made me swear.  At least the bread worked out.

********************

Addendum, June 10th.  Good news.  We got suckered again:

This time, I paid $30 for 10 minutes --- an improvement!  And now the mower works like a charm.  Not bad for a $35 investment.