June 18, 2015

Dress for Sexcess

My children's school released this statement regarding dress code in last month's newsletter:

"Our dress code emphasizes our values for decency, safety, and respect for all others. Clothing should allow for active participation in all areas of school life. The statements on suitable dress and grooming are to assist parents, teachers, and students in selecting appropriate clothing. The intent is to help students develop self-confidence, self respect, and self esteem. Our students are expected to wear clothing and accessories appropriate for school activities: free of profane, discriminatory, violent, drug or alcohol related images, slang and put-downs; footwear is to be worn at all times, including non-marking shoes for gym; head gear should be removed when in school, unless required for medical, religious or instructional reasons. Appropriate wear at school includes: no spaghetti straps/tube tops; no exposed undergarments; t-shirt lengths should rest at the waist of the pant; no bare midriffs; no short-shorts, or short skirts; guidelines to follow may be the length of the shorts is to meet the finger tips of the extended arm or the student’s mid-thigh. Thank you for your attention to a very important element of school life."

Cue uproar.
The parents' page on Farcebook imploded.  People (all women, incidentally) went bonkers.

I find it hilarious that some individuals interpret these policies so literally.  Do you really think that your prepubescent child will be sent home if she shows up at school on an 85 degree day in a tank top?

At the risk of ridiculing myself further, I will implore parents of grade school and highschool children to use their best judgment:

Please send your girl child to school wearing the least amount of clothing possible.  It is going to be very hot this summer; you do not want your daughter to be at risk of heat stroke.

She should wear very short shorts, and a tank top.  With spaghetti straps.  Even better, if she has developed breasts, send her to school without a bra.  Because those bra straps sure do chafe in the hot weather.

I also recommend purchasing a starter thong for your daughter, say, once she's nine or ten.  They are super comfortable to wear, and the more skin your daughter can expose, the cooler she will feel.

To the parents of boys, who are definitely feeling left out by the girl-centric dress code:  tell your young stallions to go commando.  Who needs underwear anyway?


Dress scantily and they remember the flesh; 
dress impeccably and they remember the woman.


Optional musical pairing:  two tunes by Hole that make me want to drink, smoke up and drive really fast (not all at the same time ;-)