I've had it. This morning was a schmozzle. The past couple of mornings have been very trying. Mornings (getting the kids going) are trying at the best of times, like when I'm speaking, but they are completely frustrating when I am silent. Just because I am silent doesn't mean that the cogs and gears are not spinning madly:
shit, we only have 5 minutes left to get to the bus stop Nathaniel has nutella all over his face and shirt Gwen hasn't combed her hair or brushed her teeth where are the kids lunches no, Nathaniel I will not take you to buy Pokemon cards after school no we do not have time to watch "What Does the Fox Say" Gwen do not feed the dog your raisin toast
Inhale deeply. Do other people have mornings like this? Sometimes I think that there is something wrong in my house. It doesn't matter what time I roll out of bed. We suck in the morning.
This is how I feel:
So this morning was hard for me. You'd think after 970+ days (Nath is in Grade 5) of getting ready to go to school in the morning that Nathaniel MIGHT have an inkling of what is expected of him. Apparently, he does not.
There was some yelling in the house this morning. Not naming any names - why don't you just talk? go to the doctor! that's right, just keep not talking!!!!
Silence is not golden here in the Willage.
Today was a full day of public interactions, mainly with clerks in stores. I bought Gwen and Nathaniel some new clothing (why won't they stop growing?) and the clerk asked me if I wanted a bag. Come on! Of course I want an effing bag; I am buying 15 items of clothing, plus accessories!
See that? So proud. I censored myself. What I really wanted to write was "fucking", but I am trying to get a handle on the pot mouth. See "recent slip ups" below.
Actually, what I really wanted to say to the clerk, who didn't even make eye contact with me when she asked me whether I wanted a bag, was "Oh. No bag needed. I am completely comfortable carrying 15 items of clothing, one pair of shoes, one headband and two pairs of tights in my arms as I exit the store".
I nodded my head instead. The clerk didn't see that, because she wasn't making eye contact, and asked me again, a little more pointedly, whether I wanted a bag. This time she looked at me and she may have seen me roll my eyes as I nodded. She asked me some additional questions, which meant that I had to dig in my bag for my "voice" and scratch out some nonsense for her. Bloody hell.
Next stop - bank. Two youngish men were hanging out at the PC pavilion and as I approached, one of them said: "nice earrings. they go with your outfit really well". I smiled. I was wearing my big, pink, style council orbs which many of you have probably seen me wearing before, as they are almost always attached to my ears. I am not sure that the bankdude actually cared for my earrings at all, he probably just wanted to make a sale. I asked him, via pen and papier, whether I could have a new Mastercard. I have worn mine out. The paypass no longer works and it is too hard for me to enter my card into the machine and knock out my pin. :-)
I was impressed with the bankdude - he could read my messy writing upside down and he did it quickly! He looked at me like I was a little crazy and said "do you speak normally?" By this, I think he meant: [when you are not taking a vow of silence or refusing to utter words] do you actually speak? I laughed and said yes. He said when I resumed talking that I would have to call "in" to request a new card.
Oh, yes. That makes perfect sense. As opposed to speaking in person to YOU, the bank representative. Call and speak to a faceless stranger who probably lives in India, to get a new card, instead of to an actual person in actual time in actual living colour.
Recent slip ups.
"Does this look okay on me?"
I wanted something new to wear to my Grandma's memorial because my Grandma liked clothing and I wanted to honour her by looking good. Not sure how wearing new clothing honours my dead Grandma, but I'm going for it anyway. So I spoke aloud to a strange woman in a coral dress and my voice sounded completely foreign to me. It was like someone else - not me - was speaking. I had tears in my eyes at the time too, probably because I was overwrought about the upcoming memorial and my inconvenient and annoying voice problem. I think the woman in the coral dress may have thought I was neurotic, so I am not sure that I got an honest answer from her. She told me that the dress brought out the colour in my eyes and that I was thin and could wear anything and so I bought it. Because I am vain and because I know that all of you are dying to see me in my dress, I am posting a picture of myself in said dress. If you think it looks bad, I don't want to hear about it.
I also said fuck and Jesus under my breath and Nathaniel heard me. I really have a potty mouth. It is SO BAD. I am going to work on that. I kind of like swearing though, so it might be hard for me. Like it would be really hard for someone to give up smoking, or drinking wine, or masturbating. Not that I do any of those things.
This morning I talked to Gwen and Nathaniel on the way to the bus stop. I whispered, but I spoke and they were overjoyed. They have a cross country meet today and I wished them well and told them that I would be there to "not cheer" them on. I also spoke to the mother of the little girl that I look after. I needed to make sure that it was okay that I brought her to the meet with me. I also spoke briefly to another friend who wanted to know whether her shirt looked stained and if she should change. I told her she looked awesome, because she did. I can't wait for my vow to be over. I am sick of it. Today and half of tomorrow and it's over.
On a happier note, if you haven't seen the Fox video yet, you should watch it, because it's kooky and funny - both of which appeal to me. It's at the bottom of the page. My kids are obsessed with this.
I am not posting a song about silence today, but I will also post an additional video below by the band Talk, Talk because I love them: It's My Life. This is a GREAT SONG.
Okay, I have to do some "real" writing now.